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The Pioneer Village, the Shirt and a Tractor.

My sister and I, wearing our dad’s favorite shirts. We have done this ritual every Father’s Day since his passing.

I had been asked a few times to go to the “Little Log House Pioneer Village” located in rural, historic Hastings, Mn, by an old friend for a couple years now. I would always decline the offer.
“It’ll be fun!” he would say. Then he’d go on and on about the war re-enactments and military equipment there. That was what HE was interested in. I wasn’t. To think there was so much more to see.
On 7/29/17, I finally agreed. Barely. We made the relaxing drive from Maplewood to just out of Hastings on a beautifully sunny day to check out this event I’d heard so much about. I paid my $10 and walked through the gate. I was immediately immersed into another world. I was in a state of “awe”. My heart thumped in my chest with the excitement of a little girl on Christmas morning.
Spread out over a HUGE plot of land before me and what would take all afternoon to explore, was a collection of old buildings (including the old Porky’s off University Ave), antique cars and tractors, a flea market, military equipment, and much, MUCH more. People were dressed from all years of history. A vast array of vehicles, tractors, and machines zipped around on the gravel roadways within this “town” in many directions. There was so much going on that I thought my head was going to explode from visual stimulation.
We began exploring some of the nearby buildings. The sun was getting hot on this July day, so we decided to retreat into the shade for a cool break. As I stepped into the doorway of an old tractor shed, I was greeted by the instant gratification of a light breeze, peace & quiet from the growing crowd, the gentle “puffing” noise of the tractors, and childhood nostalgia.
And most of all, I really missed my dad who had passed away a few years back. He would just LOVE this place. I closed my eyes and listened to the noises of the tractors that I grew up with in the country. Pictured my dad on his John Deere smiling that big, quirky smile of his and driving along, standing up. Laughing, I would ask Dad jokingly, “Why do you always stand up on the tractor, you weirdo?” I would then lightly punch him in the arm. “Why can’t you just sit like a normal person?” We would then burst out laughing because we both knew he was just different from everyone else. A “Youngbauer” to be exact. And, that was just fine. I opened my eyes. I had been lost in daydreams in a tractor shed.
“I miss you, Dad. Wish you were here”, I whispered. I blinked back tears. “You’d really enjoy this. I just know it.” I bit my lip because I knew once again the tears could flow a mighty river down my cheeks and I wanted to be strong. At least for the moment.
I passed through the dimly lit shed and stepped back into the bright sunshine of the midday sun. I put my sunglasses on and scanned the crowd. What I saw next made my jaw drop and eyes bulge. I took my sunglasses off.
Driving along the gravel roadway in the distance, was a man on a John Deere tractor. Standing up. He looked back at me and smiled. Something looked eerily familiar. I couldn’t quite grasp it, but then....
“OMIGOD!” I gasped. Almost choked on the very air I breathed in. It couldn’t be. The man was wearing the exact shirt I’d been wearing of my dad’s for Father’s Day, for the past four consecutive years. My knees almost buckled beneath me. My breathing was shaky. I raised my hand to get his attention. Almost yelled “wait!” hoping he’d stop and turn around. Just as soon as he had appeared, he disappeared into the crowd.
My heart pounded in my chest. I thought I was indeed going crazy. Then, I laughed out loud. Laughed so damn loudly to myself. My friend walked up and asked what was so funny. I told him I was having a great time and was just so glad I finally agreed to come.
I knew my dad was with me, enjoying every moment. He makes sure to pop in every now and then and still has that special way of making me smile. He shines down with a special kind of love. A love that is so very great. A love that continues and always will. I look forward to his visits and he will never cease to amaze me.

~A Valentine Sign~

Not long after I “toasted” my Dad’s (early) birthday on the night before Valentine’s Day to the Christmas tree that still stood brightly lit in my living room, I decided to tackle the pile of dishes in my kitchen that I had neglected for the past few days. One of my best girlfriends would be joining me for dinner the following afternoon for Valentine’s Day and I wanted to show her I could live like a decent human being.
Filled with mixed emotions of missing my loved one, sadness, anticipation for company and irritation with my own laziness and mess of a kitchen, I began tidying and putting things away.
I’ve lived in my house for a year and three months now. All of the cupboards were completely empty and wiped down on the inside (& out). I have to say, my kitchen is pretty organized and I could name every item (big and small) in any given cupboard and cubby. My friend coming the next day could attest to that, as she helped me in my kitchen upon moving and settling in.
As I swung a lower cupboard open to shove the toaster inside, where it had been put countless times in its own space by itself, an item flew out, hit the floor, bounced and fell directly at my feet. It was shiny and beautiful. Much more so than the bread crumbs that usually fell off the shelf.
I set the toaster down and picked up what fell to my feet. In my hand, was a Hershey kiss. And, it wasn’t just a kiss, it was a “hug”. Though it had fallen from the cupboard and bounced, the tag from the top of the kiss was in near perfect condition...just one minor crinkle.
Now maybe you’d think nothing of this. But, I do. I know because I don’t like the mixed white and milk chocolate of a hug. And, I’ve never even thought to buy or bring a bag of them into my house, let alone one.
Yet, somehow, one made its way inside. In an empty cupboard alongside a toaster. Before a day when I miss my Dad the most.
It might sound simple. It might sound crazy. But, after many thoughts of “If I could just HUG him one more time”....even saying it out loud, it might seem like perfect sense. On a day most recognized with LOVE. Love shown as simply as giving a hug to someone missed very much. On a day called Valentine’s Day.
I would call this my “Valentine Sign”.

Trust In Me (A Sign of Hope)

The sky was getting darker by the minute. I walked up to the old, rusted red pickup truck and opened the door. As I slid in onto the seat, my dog Rudy, was already there, waiting to go for a ride.
I began the slow drive uphill, which was a gravel road around a very TALL mountain. As the road wound around this mountain and I got higher in elevation, I noticed dead trees laying everywhere on the mountainside. As the sky became black, I couldn't help but think how eerie the scene was, but I kept driving. I wanted to turn around; go back where I'd be safe. Instead, I stepped on the accelerator and drove on. I had to get to the end of the road, at the top of the mountain.
Suddenly, I noticed movement off to my left. I stopped the truck. The dead trees began sliding off the mountain side and into the road ahead, forming a large log-jam. I looked to my right and it was an extremely high drop off. There was nowhere to go. I put the truck in park. I stared at the log-jam helplessly.
Before I could react, the log-jam broke. Water from somewhere had been building up behind it, and all of its weight, power and fury came racing down the road at me. I knew this was it. My life was over. I looked down at Rudy and he gazed at me with those beautiful brown eyes. I kissed him on his forehead like I always did. Then I faced forward with tears streaming down my face.
As I prepared for the "end", I could see something off to my right in the sky. Black clouds began swirling around a white, glowing object. A VERY WHITE, lit up "sign" lowered from the sky slowly. Time seemed to stand still. I felt a sense of peace, even though I had danger ahead. As I focused my vision on the sign, I could see there was a message.
In the most beautiful cursive writing I'd ever seen in my life it read: "Trust In Me."
I forgot about the logs, the rushing water, the dark sky, the very high drop off to my right. But, for some reason, I was out of breath.........
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I woke up breathing heavily, as if I’d sprinted a 100 meter dash. Tears streamed down the sides of my face. I quickly sat up in bed. The room was so still, so very quiet. So peaceful. Rudy lay next to me, looking up at me. He had been startled awake by my quick movement. He lay his head down and went back to sleep.
What a powerful dream I had just woken from! Goosebumps appeared up and down my arms. What day was it? My mind was racing.
I suddenly realized what the date was. It was exactly two years from the date of my dad’s tragic passing. A day that had changed my life forever. A day that would be engraved in my mind, down to every last detail. The day he decided to take his own life. I had been struggling to understand why and pick up the pieces and move forward for these past two years. I had never experienced such depression, sadness and darkness.
I began to cry. Cry for the pain and sadness my dad must have felt before he left. Cry that I would never see him again and the milestones he would miss. Cry for my own pain and suffering.
Then, I stopped crying. Maybe this dream was a sign of hope? Maybe, just maybe, someone was trying to tell me that everything was going to be okay? I had been praying so much lately. Praying for the strength to move forward with my life. To somehow find a way to live without my dad and find happiness until we would meet up again. I wanted to believe it. I wanted to get my life back on track. I couldn’t live like this anymore.
There had been countless days where it was so painful to get out of bed. Days I couldn’t even find the energy to smile or find joy in even the simplest things. The people closest to me had noticed this. They didn’t know what to do to help. I had felt so alone up to this point.
I threw back the covers and sat up straight. I knew what I needed to do. I had to move forward. One little step at a time. One day at a time, just as long as I was moving ahead and not backwards. I stood up. My feet were planted on the cold hardwood floor. I could picture the sign “Trust in Me” from my dream. I pictured it ahead of me. I could hear a soft whisper in my ear. “Trust in Me, Jennifer.”
I shivered. I took a step forward. And another one.
“I TRUST you,” I whispered back.

A John Deere Surprise

Today was my dad's BEST friend's birthday. His friend, Brad, and I have become much closer since my dad's passing, and this year, I made it a point to call him FIRST thing, on his special day.
"Happy Birthday, Brad!", I cheerily said into the phone at 7:15am, when he answered. "Jenni, you made my day, thank you so much!" He was shocked I remembered. As I hung up the phone, I said out loud, "Dad, it's your Buddy Bwad's birthday (we call Brad, "Bwad"). Not that you need me to remind you, but just saying."
Hours later, Brad texted me a picture that would stun us both. Typically, Brad works north of Two Harbors, about 40 miles. For the first time this summer, he was sent to help in Two Harbors where my dad both worked and lived. And, of all days, Brad’s birthday.
As Brad pulled out of a gravel pit in his work truck, there sat my Dad's old tractor, (sold years prior) parked in a random driveway, out in the open for Brad to see. And, of all days, his birthday. Brad, shocked, pulled over and had to take a picture, which he texted me. I called him right away. He told me how his day was made by my call. He had a wonderful day and he thought about my Dad, sister and I all day, and how much he missed my dad, when the tractor appeared out of nowhere.
I waited for (and hoped) what I would hear Brad say next. "A couple of things have puzzled me after I have talked to you girls. Occurrences. But not like this. Now, I know that's him. That's gotta be your dad!" Then, he just laughed, such a hearty, healthy laugh! Of course, I couldn't help but tear up. And, smile a BIG smile, while shaking my head. I knew in my heart instantly, who it was, who somehow made this happen. In 10 days, it will be my Dad's 2-year anniversary of his passing. He left much too soon, but since then, continues to show signs to his loved ones, which let us know he's at peace, he's watching, and waiting....to surprise the heck out of us!

Love and miss you SO much, Dad!